~ Egg donor is a BUST ~

Oh - another bump in the baby-making road. This one is kind of a biggie. The donor we chose has been working with another couple and we were to be next to get her eggs. Unfortunately, she did not produce very many eggs for the couple before us. We are not willing to take a chance the same thing will happen to us. So, we are cancelling our cycle with her. For whatever reason, this news hit me harder than most of the other bumps on this seemingly never-ending road. I had my 24 hour (or was it 48 hours?) pity party and like usual, am back in positive form- ready to try again.

Back to square one... trying to pick a new donor. My doctor and his staff assure me they are going to work very hard to find us a match as quickly as possible. I will know more tomorrow.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Etc... to all of my friends and family. I hope to be cashing in on some of that promised babysitting time soon.

Mark reminds me of my very favorite thing to tell others - "Everything happens for a reason". He is right... again.

~ Wow... has it really been six months? ~

It truly brings tears to my eyes realizing that it has been six full months since I have posted a new entry. Time passes much too quickly these days.

Where to begin....?

The past 6 months have been tough - I lost my lifelong friend Donnell in July, as well as my sister-in-law (from my first husband's family) Lisa in October. Both were much to young to leave this world. I believe they are both watching and will be helping me through this journey. They are missed every day.

Since my last entry, we attempted two more rounds of IVF - bringing the total for those who are counting to a whopping four tries and four negative pregnancy tests. We have come to the painful conclusion that my supply of eggs is getting low, actually they are just about gone. And, basically the ones left are just too old. This is so crazy to me - I still feel 25. So, after wrapping my brain around that one we are moving on to the next phase of 'Our Crazy Baby-Making Journey'.

Plan B... (or is it plan C?) Whatever - the next step is paying the big bucks to secure an egg donor. We have been spoiled up through this point with our phenomenal insurance paying for our IVF cycles. There is a limit however, and when you cross over into donor territory, they are not quite as generous. So, we have searched, inquired, grilled the doctors and then searched some more... and we found her! (More info about our donor to come in a later post.) We are scheduled to start with her in January - setting us up for our pregnancy test sometime early March. We are so very excited and hoping for twins now, more than ever. Much greater chance for twins with the donor's eggs and less risk of down syndrome as she is young.

So - that is where we are at for now. I am so hopeful that the new year will bring wonderful things... I will keep you posted.

~ I admit, the break is nice... ~

Ok, so Mark was right. It is actually very nice to have the break from the hormones and constant obsessing. I have actually been able to lose 8 pounds so far - only 32 to go!

We are keeping busy with our friends Tamara and Noah's quickly approaching wedding and our trip to Hawaii at the end of the month. I have been putting my nose in the books and stuyding my medical transcription course in hopes to be done in 4-6 weeks. All the IVF business was very distracting and I dropped the ball a bit on the school work. I am hoping to finish before our next IVF round will start - probably in mid-July.

Who knows - we could actually get pregnant the old-fashioned way in the meantime! Wouldn't that be somethin'...

~ Round 2.... Negative ~

Unfortunately, we received bad news last night - our pregnancy test was negative for this cycle. It was surprisingly easier to hear this time - I think I was much more prepared. Although, it still is a huge disappointment.

What next? Well, Mark really wants me to take a break for a month or two to give my body (and mind) a little rest. After arguing with him and sulking for a couple hours, I have come to terms with the rest period and agree it will probably be a good thing. My wonderful husband asks very little of me - I have to respect his position on this one. (Watch he will be right!) I have been pumping my body up with one hormone or another since last Summer. It will be good to take a break and try to get my body back into shape a bit. We have a busy couple months with our best friends getting married in June and our trip to Hawaii in early July. Plenty of things to keep me busy.

I will keep you all updated on when we will start round 3 - Third time WILL be the charm! Back on track for twins...

~ Bedrest is OVER!!! ~

Today, bedrest is officially over! I made it through this time downstairs on the couch. It was much better than being upstairs away from the hubbub of activity. My family came over in shifts - Dad, Sis, my niece Karli, and Mom all took their turn taking care of me while Mark was at work. The days went by pretty quickly this time. Needless to say, I am happy to be showered and up and around.

Back to waiting now- we have an appointment on Monday at 11am for the pregnancy test. I should know by the end of the day Monday if it worked or not. Surprisingly, I am not nearly as stressed about it as I was last time... I know that whatever is supposed to happen, will.

The roller coaster ride is approaching the top again... Holding on for the loop-the-loop.

~ Egg to Embryo ~

Ok- so I was really bummed not getting more than one egg on retrieval day. But, after a little pity party, I am positive once again. The single egg they were able to get actually fertilized. Thankfully, we can always count on Mark's baby batter. It hasn't let us down yet!

The doctor and embryologist are watching the progress of the egg-embryo very closely. I received a call this morning letting me know the egg has split into two. So it is on it's way to embryo status. We will be transfering it back in Monday morning at 10am. Mark will be home late Sunday night, so this works out perfect.

And we are slowly chugging uphill once again.....

~ Retrieval - not so many! ~

I am home from our retrieval this morning. My mom just left and I am supposed to be napping...

After making those 4 beautifully large follicles, my doctor was only able to find one lonely egg. I was so surprised and disappointed. That was the last thing I was expecting. I was prepared for only having one egg make it to the day of the transfer, but to start with one was a huge blow. So, now I wait to get a call in the morning from the embryologist to find out if our egg has fertilized. As long as it does, we are looking to transfer it back on Monday morning. My bedrest will start then and last through Thursday.

We arrived at the top of the hill in the rollercoaster- and it went straight down... The only way to go from here is up!

~ We Have a Plan ~

After my ultrasound yesterday, the doctor gave us the thumbs up to trigger ovulation tonight at 9:45pm. That means exactly 34 hours later at 7:45am on Thursday morning, we will be doing the egg retrieval. We almost made it before Mark was leaving, but not quite. Mark is going to give his baby batter Wednesday afternoon and they will keep it in the incubator until Thursday morning retrieval. They have assured us that this is ok - after all, we only need 4 of those millions of sperm to fertilize the 4 egg follicles they will retrieve.

This time around we are doing things a bit differently... instead of transfering the embryos back into me on the 3rd day after retrieval, they are going to wait until day 5. This gives them a chance to basically weed out the embryos that wouldn't have made it between days 3-5. What we will be left with on day 5 will be (hopefully) at least 2 big strong embryos ready to implant themselves into my uterine wall. So - we will not be doing the transfer until a week from today- next Tuesday. I am very hopeful and excited that this 2nd time around is going to work.

I took my last injections of the major hormones last night - today it is just 2 injections. First injection is to prevent me from ovulating today (as that would defeat the purpose if these egg follicles dropped in ovulation and we would lose all we have done thus far) and the second injection will be the HCG tonight to bring on ovulation. It is incredible - the exact timing is critical.

As usual, our family and friends are amazing support. I realize having a conversation with me right now is totally one sided - and I apologize. I am drowning in this whole process - I can't wait to resurface!

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 12 ~ Still Waiting... ~

Today is IVF cycle day 12. We are scheduled to go to the doctor at 3pm today for another ultrasound to check the size of our follicles. Last check on Saturday, we had a 16mm and 15mm in the left ovary and a 10 & 11mm in the right ovary. Hopefully this afternoon they will be big enough for the doctor to say GO so we can retrieve those suckers on Wednesday morning.

I just spoke with my mom on the phone and she had a dream it was going to be on Wednesday- so I am going with that. That way, Mark is still in town to give his baby batter. Hopefully my extremely intuitive mother is right! Will post later today after our appointment with an update.

For now- it is best that Mark is at work... yesterday he told me that I was a real treat to be around these days. His loving support and patience has it's limits. Hoping today will be the last of the injections to put us both out of our misery!

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 7 ~ Ultrasound ~

Today was the big day for our first ultrasound this cycle. We were hoping for many egg follicles, but there were only four to be found. Two in each ovary. The biggest is measuring 8-1/2mm, the next is 7-1/2mm and the other 2 are 5mm & 6mm. That is a 100% improvement over our last IVF cycle on this day we only had two. The doctor is very hopeful that these four follicles will mature as planned and hopefully we can get 2-3 to fertilize and transfer back in.

So - we go for our next ultrasound Saturday to check the size of the follicles. Which will probably lead to another check on Monday - which puts us at Wednesday for the retrieval day. As I mentioned before, this is cutting it seriously close to Mark's big fishing trip to Mexico leaving Thursday morning. The doctor let us know if worse comes to worst and we have to put the retrieval off until Thursday, Mark would have to leave a sample with me before he gets on the plane. He will just love that - doing his thing in a restroom at LAX! ;) Needless to say, we are hoping it will be by Wednesday.

Although the technical side of this is easier this time around, the emotional side is just as difficult.

The rollercoaster is slowly chugging uphill right now. I don't know if it will go left, right or straight down when we get to the top. All I know is my knuckles are turning white from holding on so tight...

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 5 ~

As was expected - my emotions are out of control right now. Made much worse when our puppy, Kona, woke me up crying in the middle of the night. He appears to have something wrong with his hips. He cannot stand up on his own. I am waiting for the vet to open at 9am to get him in today, but I can hardly look at him without bawling... He spent the day yesterday playing and swimming with the other dogs in our family, and was limping terribly when we got home last night.

On the brighter side, this cycle is going by much faster than the last. (Thankfully!) Today, we are only 2 days away from our first ultrasound to determine the number and size of the egg follicles that are hopefully growing like mad in my ovaries. I am also much more relaxed with the whole thing - very little Googling for information at this point. I'm sure it's because I already know the drill - wait, shots, wait, shots, etc...

Staying positive and keeping my eye on the prize. Babies are everywhere I look! Optimistic is my middle name- Holly Optimistic Gonzales. But my friends just call me HOG... ;)

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 1 ~

Here we go again- just that quickly, we are starting our next cycle. I just returned from the doctors office. (I feel like a professional patient!) Since I started my period this morning and my ultrasound checked out a-ok, we are officially starting cycle 2.

What happens now? you ask... well, starting on Saturday (day 3) I start the stimulating meds again. Since he has upped the dosage and added Clomid to the mix - which is an added stimulator medication, we are hoping this cycle will produce many egg follicles. I have my first ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday at 11am to check the number and size of the follicles. It looks like if all goes smoothly, we will be doing the egg retrieval anywhere from Saturday the 3rd through Tuesday the 6th.

Hoping all goes as planned, since Mark has a fishing trip to Mexico leaving Thurs May 8. His contribution has to be made on the day of the retrieval - so we are cutting it a little close.

My thought for the day: This clinical version of baby-making leaves no room for modesty or inhibitions. At this point I don't even care if the doctor leaves the room while I undress from the waist down....