~ Egg donor is a BUST ~

Oh - another bump in the baby-making road. This one is kind of a biggie. The donor we chose has been working with another couple and we were to be next to get her eggs. Unfortunately, she did not produce very many eggs for the couple before us. We are not willing to take a chance the same thing will happen to us. So, we are cancelling our cycle with her. For whatever reason, this news hit me harder than most of the other bumps on this seemingly never-ending road. I had my 24 hour (or was it 48 hours?) pity party and like usual, am back in positive form- ready to try again.

Back to square one... trying to pick a new donor. My doctor and his staff assure me they are going to work very hard to find us a match as quickly as possible. I will know more tomorrow.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Etc... to all of my friends and family. I hope to be cashing in on some of that promised babysitting time soon.

Mark reminds me of my very favorite thing to tell others - "Everything happens for a reason". He is right... again.

~ Wow... has it really been six months? ~

It truly brings tears to my eyes realizing that it has been six full months since I have posted a new entry. Time passes much too quickly these days.

Where to begin....?

The past 6 months have been tough - I lost my lifelong friend Donnell in July, as well as my sister-in-law (from my first husband's family) Lisa in October. Both were much to young to leave this world. I believe they are both watching and will be helping me through this journey. They are missed every day.

Since my last entry, we attempted two more rounds of IVF - bringing the total for those who are counting to a whopping four tries and four negative pregnancy tests. We have come to the painful conclusion that my supply of eggs is getting low, actually they are just about gone. And, basically the ones left are just too old. This is so crazy to me - I still feel 25. So, after wrapping my brain around that one we are moving on to the next phase of 'Our Crazy Baby-Making Journey'.

Plan B... (or is it plan C?) Whatever - the next step is paying the big bucks to secure an egg donor. We have been spoiled up through this point with our phenomenal insurance paying for our IVF cycles. There is a limit however, and when you cross over into donor territory, they are not quite as generous. So, we have searched, inquired, grilled the doctors and then searched some more... and we found her! (More info about our donor to come in a later post.) We are scheduled to start with her in January - setting us up for our pregnancy test sometime early March. We are so very excited and hoping for twins now, more than ever. Much greater chance for twins with the donor's eggs and less risk of down syndrome as she is young.

So - that is where we are at for now. I am so hopeful that the new year will bring wonderful things... I will keep you posted.

~ I admit, the break is nice... ~

Ok, so Mark was right. It is actually very nice to have the break from the hormones and constant obsessing. I have actually been able to lose 8 pounds so far - only 32 to go!

We are keeping busy with our friends Tamara and Noah's quickly approaching wedding and our trip to Hawaii at the end of the month. I have been putting my nose in the books and stuyding my medical transcription course in hopes to be done in 4-6 weeks. All the IVF business was very distracting and I dropped the ball a bit on the school work. I am hoping to finish before our next IVF round will start - probably in mid-July.

Who knows - we could actually get pregnant the old-fashioned way in the meantime! Wouldn't that be somethin'...

~ Round 2.... Negative ~

Unfortunately, we received bad news last night - our pregnancy test was negative for this cycle. It was surprisingly easier to hear this time - I think I was much more prepared. Although, it still is a huge disappointment.

What next? Well, Mark really wants me to take a break for a month or two to give my body (and mind) a little rest. After arguing with him and sulking for a couple hours, I have come to terms with the rest period and agree it will probably be a good thing. My wonderful husband asks very little of me - I have to respect his position on this one. (Watch he will be right!) I have been pumping my body up with one hormone or another since last Summer. It will be good to take a break and try to get my body back into shape a bit. We have a busy couple months with our best friends getting married in June and our trip to Hawaii in early July. Plenty of things to keep me busy.

I will keep you all updated on when we will start round 3 - Third time WILL be the charm! Back on track for twins...

~ Bedrest is OVER!!! ~

Today, bedrest is officially over! I made it through this time downstairs on the couch. It was much better than being upstairs away from the hubbub of activity. My family came over in shifts - Dad, Sis, my niece Karli, and Mom all took their turn taking care of me while Mark was at work. The days went by pretty quickly this time. Needless to say, I am happy to be showered and up and around.

Back to waiting now- we have an appointment on Monday at 11am for the pregnancy test. I should know by the end of the day Monday if it worked or not. Surprisingly, I am not nearly as stressed about it as I was last time... I know that whatever is supposed to happen, will.

The roller coaster ride is approaching the top again... Holding on for the loop-the-loop.

~ Egg to Embryo ~

Ok- so I was really bummed not getting more than one egg on retrieval day. But, after a little pity party, I am positive once again. The single egg they were able to get actually fertilized. Thankfully, we can always count on Mark's baby batter. It hasn't let us down yet!

The doctor and embryologist are watching the progress of the egg-embryo very closely. I received a call this morning letting me know the egg has split into two. So it is on it's way to embryo status. We will be transfering it back in Monday morning at 10am. Mark will be home late Sunday night, so this works out perfect.

And we are slowly chugging uphill once again.....

~ Retrieval - not so many! ~

I am home from our retrieval this morning. My mom just left and I am supposed to be napping...

After making those 4 beautifully large follicles, my doctor was only able to find one lonely egg. I was so surprised and disappointed. That was the last thing I was expecting. I was prepared for only having one egg make it to the day of the transfer, but to start with one was a huge blow. So, now I wait to get a call in the morning from the embryologist to find out if our egg has fertilized. As long as it does, we are looking to transfer it back on Monday morning. My bedrest will start then and last through Thursday.

We arrived at the top of the hill in the rollercoaster- and it went straight down... The only way to go from here is up!

~ We Have a Plan ~

After my ultrasound yesterday, the doctor gave us the thumbs up to trigger ovulation tonight at 9:45pm. That means exactly 34 hours later at 7:45am on Thursday morning, we will be doing the egg retrieval. We almost made it before Mark was leaving, but not quite. Mark is going to give his baby batter Wednesday afternoon and they will keep it in the incubator until Thursday morning retrieval. They have assured us that this is ok - after all, we only need 4 of those millions of sperm to fertilize the 4 egg follicles they will retrieve.

This time around we are doing things a bit differently... instead of transfering the embryos back into me on the 3rd day after retrieval, they are going to wait until day 5. This gives them a chance to basically weed out the embryos that wouldn't have made it between days 3-5. What we will be left with on day 5 will be (hopefully) at least 2 big strong embryos ready to implant themselves into my uterine wall. So - we will not be doing the transfer until a week from today- next Tuesday. I am very hopeful and excited that this 2nd time around is going to work.

I took my last injections of the major hormones last night - today it is just 2 injections. First injection is to prevent me from ovulating today (as that would defeat the purpose if these egg follicles dropped in ovulation and we would lose all we have done thus far) and the second injection will be the HCG tonight to bring on ovulation. It is incredible - the exact timing is critical.

As usual, our family and friends are amazing support. I realize having a conversation with me right now is totally one sided - and I apologize. I am drowning in this whole process - I can't wait to resurface!

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 12 ~ Still Waiting... ~

Today is IVF cycle day 12. We are scheduled to go to the doctor at 3pm today for another ultrasound to check the size of our follicles. Last check on Saturday, we had a 16mm and 15mm in the left ovary and a 10 & 11mm in the right ovary. Hopefully this afternoon they will be big enough for the doctor to say GO so we can retrieve those suckers on Wednesday morning.

I just spoke with my mom on the phone and she had a dream it was going to be on Wednesday- so I am going with that. That way, Mark is still in town to give his baby batter. Hopefully my extremely intuitive mother is right! Will post later today after our appointment with an update.

For now- it is best that Mark is at work... yesterday he told me that I was a real treat to be around these days. His loving support and patience has it's limits. Hoping today will be the last of the injections to put us both out of our misery!

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 7 ~ Ultrasound ~

Today was the big day for our first ultrasound this cycle. We were hoping for many egg follicles, but there were only four to be found. Two in each ovary. The biggest is measuring 8-1/2mm, the next is 7-1/2mm and the other 2 are 5mm & 6mm. That is a 100% improvement over our last IVF cycle on this day we only had two. The doctor is very hopeful that these four follicles will mature as planned and hopefully we can get 2-3 to fertilize and transfer back in.

So - we go for our next ultrasound Saturday to check the size of the follicles. Which will probably lead to another check on Monday - which puts us at Wednesday for the retrieval day. As I mentioned before, this is cutting it seriously close to Mark's big fishing trip to Mexico leaving Thursday morning. The doctor let us know if worse comes to worst and we have to put the retrieval off until Thursday, Mark would have to leave a sample with me before he gets on the plane. He will just love that - doing his thing in a restroom at LAX! ;) Needless to say, we are hoping it will be by Wednesday.

Although the technical side of this is easier this time around, the emotional side is just as difficult.

The rollercoaster is slowly chugging uphill right now. I don't know if it will go left, right or straight down when we get to the top. All I know is my knuckles are turning white from holding on so tight...

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 5 ~

As was expected - my emotions are out of control right now. Made much worse when our puppy, Kona, woke me up crying in the middle of the night. He appears to have something wrong with his hips. He cannot stand up on his own. I am waiting for the vet to open at 9am to get him in today, but I can hardly look at him without bawling... He spent the day yesterday playing and swimming with the other dogs in our family, and was limping terribly when we got home last night.

On the brighter side, this cycle is going by much faster than the last. (Thankfully!) Today, we are only 2 days away from our first ultrasound to determine the number and size of the egg follicles that are hopefully growing like mad in my ovaries. I am also much more relaxed with the whole thing - very little Googling for information at this point. I'm sure it's because I already know the drill - wait, shots, wait, shots, etc...

Staying positive and keeping my eye on the prize. Babies are everywhere I look! Optimistic is my middle name- Holly Optimistic Gonzales. But my friends just call me HOG... ;)

~ IVF Round 2 - Cycle Day 1 ~

Here we go again- just that quickly, we are starting our next cycle. I just returned from the doctors office. (I feel like a professional patient!) Since I started my period this morning and my ultrasound checked out a-ok, we are officially starting cycle 2.

What happens now? you ask... well, starting on Saturday (day 3) I start the stimulating meds again. Since he has upped the dosage and added Clomid to the mix - which is an added stimulator medication, we are hoping this cycle will produce many egg follicles. I have my first ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday at 11am to check the number and size of the follicles. It looks like if all goes smoothly, we will be doing the egg retrieval anywhere from Saturday the 3rd through Tuesday the 6th.

Hoping all goes as planned, since Mark has a fishing trip to Mexico leaving Thurs May 8. His contribution has to be made on the day of the retrieval - so we are cutting it a little close.

My thought for the day: This clinical version of baby-making leaves no room for modesty or inhibitions. At this point I don't even care if the doctor leaves the room while I undress from the waist down....

~ IVF Round 2 ~

I am on top of the world again! Today's doctor appointment was a definite upswing on this rollercoaster ride of ours. We are going to start our next IVF round as soon as I start my period this month. Which should be within the week. The great thing about this round is that the cycle is actually cut down to about 2 weeks. The doc changed my meds and eliminated some so we go right to the stimulating injections as soon as I start my period.

Which means- we will be doing the retrieval and transfer sometime around the 15th of May. So- we will be able to know by the 25th or so of May if it worked or not. Whooo hoooo!!! That is so much faster than last time- much better than waiting 7 weeks. The doctor is putting my dosage about as high as it can go... in hopes that boosting the meds will make me produce more egg follicles. He is hoping for at least 5-6 this time.

Again- prayers and high hopes are appreciated. 2nd times the charm? Oh I hope so!

~ It's never good news when the doctor calls... ~

I just got the call - we are NOT pregnant. Wow- what a bummer! I am not sure yet how I feel... a little bit angry for sure, and a little bit sad. The past 8 months have been tough on Mark & I - and it looks like we will have to hang in there a while longer. I need to believe that all of these pounds I have gained from all of those hormones isn't for nothing! ;)

We have an appointment with the doctor on Monday afternoon to go over what happened this time around and to make a plan for the next time. Hopefully we will be able to start next week. The whole IVF process takes about 6-7 weeks, so I'd like to start as quickly as possible.

Mark & I - always trying to see the positive are already keeping our hopes up for twins the next time around.

I am sure all of this is for a reason....

~ I couldn't wait... ~

I really tried to wait to take the at-home pregnancy test.... but at 1:30am this morning, with literally my first pee of the day, I couldn't stand it any longer. I waited the full 3 minutes before looking - and it said exactly what I didn't want to see. NOT PREGNANT.

Now- this should be a good lesson in patience for me. I know it is WAY too early to get a positive from an at home test- and yet I still did it. I am going to try to restrain from taking another until I actually go to the doctor for a blood test tomorrow. Yes, I did say tomorrow (Friday).... when I called the office to make my appointment for Monday, I asked if I could come on Friday instead (Miss Impatient) and the nurse actually said YES!!!! So- I have an appointment for a blood test tomorrow at 11:00am. I should have the results by the end of the business day. If it is positive, they will want me in the office again on Monday to check to make sure my hormone levels are increasing like they should.

The best thing I have to report is that since I was able to come downstairs yesterday morning (after a very long shower), I have been experiencing light-headedness. I just Googled (uh-oh... here I go Googling again) the early signs of pregnancy and light-headedness is one of the early signs of pregnancy. A bit of a reach- perhaps, but I am holding on to it to get me through until tomorrows results.

So, again- passing the time trying to distract myself.... the waiting IS the hardest part!

~ BEDREST SUCKS ~

Whoever said bedrest sounded like a great idea must never have been on bedrest... it really sucks! I am watching the hours crawl by very slowly. My dad spent the day with me yesterday and today, my mom is back to help. Kona (our lab) seems to think grandma is here for his walking pleasure and not to wait on me hand and foot. I am jealous....

T minus 20 hours until shower and hair wash - whooo hooo!
T minus 6 days until pregnancy test - yeahhhhh!

Oh - and I forgot to mention exactly what 8C was... for those of you who may think I am crazy for naming my unborn baby 8C. It means that our fertilized embryo split into 8 cells by the time they transfered it back into my uterus. That is exactly what they were hoping for. And with just one embryo to transfer - at least we had a good one.

~ We call it '8C' ~

So here it is.... baby 8C. Cute, huh? 8C was transferred into my uterus on Saturday morning and I have been on bed rest ever since. And, as if the thought of 3 days bedrest was not enough, the nurse told me that my 3 days doesn't even start until Sunday. That really makes 4 days in my world. Wow- how lucky am I?

Thankfully I have spent the day visiting with friends and family.

We are waiting for 8C to attach- will be able to take a pregnancy test next Monday to find out for sure.

Will be stocking up on the at-home pregnancy tests this week. The wait is killin' me!

~ FERTILIZED ~

Well... it has been a long morning waiting for an update from the embryologist. She just called to report we have one egg that has been fertilized. She tried her best to get them both, but I guess one of the eggs just wasn't good. So we have one growing fertilized egg! She said normally, they will check on the embryos every 12 hours or so, but since we just have the one, they will not disturb it and give it some time to grow peacefully.

Although Mark & I had our hopes on twins, when she told me there was one - I was as happy as can be. At this stage, we are thankful to have one embryo to transfer on Saturday morning.

As of last night, we started the new injection and medications. The injection is progesterone that Mark has to give me in the butt - and it was a doozy! It is pretty thick and has sesame oil in it- so it felt gnarly going in... I assume I will get used to it, though, as this will be a daily thing until the end of my first trimester should I get pregnant this go 'round.

Trying to have a good laugh every day... I have to keep my sense of humor, otherwise I may lose my mind!

~ Conception? ~

Ok- so it may not be the traditional way of doing things, but today.... Mark & I (hopefully) have conceived our babies.

Recipe:

1. Take 2 mature egg follicles from me
2. Take the baby batter from Mark
3. Mix together and pray for fertilization

That is where we are as of tonight. We will be recieving a phone call from the embryologist tomorrow letting us know if our 2 eggs have been fertilized. This is absolutely amazing! We are certain our 2 beautiful babies are brewing right now.

I have been resting most of the day today- the anesthesia makes me quite sleepy. Back to light activity tomorrow. Saturday morning 7:00 am we will be returning to Torrance for the transfer.

Our support network is incredible- these single celled babies are LOVED!

IVF cycle ~ Day 13 ~

We're a go!

The 3 greatest words I have heard in the past 6 weeks... we're a go for egg retrieval. As I am sure you can guess, as soon as those words came out of the doctor's mouth I was crying. YEAH!!!!!

Today's ultrasound revealed not only our 2 strong follies, but the 3rd guy (Mini Me) has made quite a showing and almost caught up in size to the 2 biggies. That makes 3 mature egg follicles measuring over 18mm each and he spotted a couple small ones in my left ovary that are not to be given up on yet. So- tonight at exactly 11:15pm, Mark will give me the 'trigger' shot that will loosen those follicles from the walls of my ovaries and exactly 34 hours later at 9:15am on Wednesday, they will go in and grab 'em.

After the retrieval, the eggs will be placed with Mark's sperm in hopes that they will all fertilize. If all goes well, we will be transfering 2 or 3 embryos into my uterus on Saturday morning.

Now I have a whole new list of things to obsess over... Google- here I come!

IVF cycle ~ Day 12 ~

I just want to tell all of our family and friends how much we love and appreciate you. Your support is incredible! No matter what happens on this journey of ours, we know we are loved and blessed.

Just a quick update today- we had another ultrasound appointment yesterday morning. Our two main follies are still growing, but they weren't quite ready to retrieve them. So.... back for another ultrasound Monday morning at 9:45 and hopefully they will give us the go ahead to move forward to retrieve those bad boys (or girls). If they do, I will give myself an injection to 'trigger' ovulation and 36 hours later, they will go in and get 'em. That will put us on track for a Wednesday morning retrieval and Saturday implant.

Keeping my thoughts happy and my hopes high. Repeat after me: Two egg follies = two beautiful babies....

IVF cycle ~ Day 10 ~

Ahhhhh.... so happy right now!

Mark & I went to our dr.'s appointment this morning for another ultrasound. They were able to locate my left ovary this time (thankfully it is still there!), however there were no egg follicles there worth mentioning. So, back to the 3 follicles in the right ovary. As of this morning one was measuring 15mm, another 14mm and the third Mark has dubbed 'Mini-Me' is pretty small. So basically we are looking at 2 egg follicles. After checking my progesterone levels, we are moving forward with this cycle even though there are only 2 follicles. The doctor seems to think that this may be the best we are going to get.

Back for another ultrasound at 6:45am Saturday to make sure our 2 follies are still growing and to hopefully schedule the retrieval for Monday morning- YEAH!!! Like the doctor said- it only takes one fertilized egg if it is a good one... hoping for an egg like that of a 20 year old!

As I am certain you can guess- my emotions are everywhere right now. Mark is a saint!

IVF cycle ~ Day 7 ~

Went to the doctor for an ultrasound today... he was hoping for multiple egg follicles in each ovary - was only able to locate 3 in my right ovary. He couldn't find the left ovary at all... that can't be good. The follicles he did find measured 10mm. They can be retrieved when they reach 17-22mm each.

He is changing my medications a bit and hoping for the best. I will go back for another ultrasound Friday morning- looking for more follicles and hoping they are going to be huge.

The crying isn't as bad today- just a couple minor breakdowns. Nothing like yesterday. Things must be looking up!

First Entry ~ IVF Cycle Day 6 ~ 3/31/08

My girlfriend Veronica predicted that I would be a raving lunatic by now - she was right!

It has been 2 hours now and I cannot seem to stop crying. Today is IVF cycle day 6... I am home alone - and the hormones have taken over. Thankfully, IVF cycle days 1-3 were spent watching my 3 awesome nephews and IVF cycle days 4-5 were spent celebrating my very good friend Tamara's bachelorette party in Vegas.

Let me rewind a bit to get you all caught up. Last September, after trying for 9 months, I started taking Clomid to assist Mark and I in getting pregnant. After 3 cycles, it worked. We found out we were pregnant on Dec. 29, 2007. What a way to celebrate the New Year with our best friends up at Lake Arrowhead! Our excitement did not last long however, as the third week in January we lost the baby (a little girl). We spoke with our doctor and decided that based on my age (39) we were going to bypass trying the Clomid again and go straight for In-Vitro Fertilization. We have been blessed with fantastic insurance and were thrilled to find out that we are covered at 100% for this process. Totally unheard of in the IVF world- lucky for us!

Here is a brief rundown of how it works:

On Febuary 28, 2008, we started our first IVF cycle. What a process this is! I am posting a photo of my calendar that has become such a huge part of my daily routine. The days are going by very slowly and I find that looking at the calendar and crossing the days off as they pass really helps.

On March 14, I received my shipment of medications. As you can tell by the photo, this is no joke- I took the picture with my slipper in front of the bags of meds so you can get an idea of the size of the bags. CRAZY!!! At this point, I am up to 4 injections daily in the belly. Besides being a little tender, my belly is holding up fine. We are about a week away now from our egg retrieval- which is the day they go into my ovaries and extract the (hopefully) many eggs that have formed in the past month of injections and meds. On the same day, Mark will make a visit to the doctor's "Oval Office" where he will make his contribution to this whole thing. An embryologist will take his sperm and place it with my eggs in hopes that some will fertilize. Three days later, if all goes well, we will have some fertilized embryos to transfer into my uterus. I will be on immediate bed rest for 3 days and 12 -14 days later, we will be able to take a pregnancy test to see if it worked. We are hoping for twins - please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

I have now stopped crying- hopefully I can keep it together for the remainder of the day. I have a doctor's appointment for an ultrasound tomorrow to check the size and number of follicles that are forming in my ovaries. Will keep you posted...